I’ve been meaning to write for over a month now, but for the first time in seemingly forever, I didn’t know what to say. Or that’s what I told myself.
I think more realistically: I was afraid of all the things I would say, all the emotions I would feel, and all the word vomit that I’d have to mop up if I even approached my keyboard. So I didn’t.
Besides final papers and last minute essay editing (and yes, I passed ConLaw), I’ve been cutting back on my writing – a lot. And there’s one thing I know: I’ve never felt more lonely. Writing is healing for me, and it’s so strange that it’s the first thing I turn away from. Maybe it’s wanting to be a martyr and bear it all alone, or maybe it’s just that I’m exhausted; emotion drains you. But I’m learning it’s more exhausting to deal with them alone than to let them out. Even if it is word vomit.
So, *cue barf bags* here I go:
These past 6 weeks have been unruly. I’ve had so many emotions – happiness, anger, love, excitement, disappointment, sadness, silliness, and all the rest – but I haven’t expressed them. Not because I didn’t have the means (hello, this is my blog), but because I didn’t make the time. And having been on this planet for *officially* 22 years now, I’m finally starting to understand that time is our best friend and enemy. Kind of like siblings.
So this is me making the time. This is me doing something today for me; something that makes me vulnerable in emotion-packed times like these, but something that I know makes me feel better, regardless of situation. It’s something I (unfortunately) shy away from in times of stress and struggle, but something that I’m committed to making a constant in this next chapter of my life.
If you’re a giver like I am (bless your soul), you know how fulfilling it can be to give your time and efforts to others; meanwhile, your internal needs are over here like: help a sister out and gimme some sugar. Well, I encourage you to let those feelings rule for a day or two – even just an hour, if that’s all you have to give. But give yourself a little time to fulfill what you need and what you want, giving yourself some internal TLC. It might be exactly what you need.
Others can love you, but there’s just nothing quite like the love of self that comes from within. And if you’ve never felt it, let’s make that a goal; we’ll work on it together.
I graduated mid-May, had tons of family in LA, moved most of my stuff back home (currently having home identity crisis), silently turned 22, yesterday got in our pool for the first time in 4 years (fun fact: I hate swimming), been catching some Giants games, watching the Sharks and Dubs fight for the Cup/ Championship (YEE), spending lots of time with my childhood twin (hi, Suzanna), catching up with friends, crying (obvi), and wrestling various life duties. I’ve also been graciously bullied back into blogging, which I can’t thank you enough for, Jack. It’s been an event filled spring-to-summer transition, and while it’s a whirlwind, I’m so glad it’s mine.
I’m also stoked to get my new site to all of you! It’s been a huge project, but it’s finally ready for the reveal.
Catch you on the flip side, in not so long.